Day One

Believe it or not, writing a blog is something that I've wanted to do for a very long time. So why didn't I? Well, I guess the usual excuses come to mind. I was too busy. Everyone I knew was writing one and I didn't want to feel like a copycat. But mainly I think I was scared. Scared of what people would think about what I had to say. Truth be told, I'm still a little worried about what people may think, but lately I feel like if I DON'T get the stuff that is in my head OUT, I'm going to lose my mind.

We are now on day 4 of 2010 and I'm still wondering how the hell did 2009 go by so quickly. You see 2009 was a crazy year for me. I met a guy, wait not just any guy THE GUY. You know, the guy that we are all secretly waiting around to meet. I was 33 and had given up on the idea of finding Mr. Right. I'd met several Mr. Right-Nows and they had been fine for a week or two, but no one that I seriously wanted to share my life with, until I met P in January 2009. I met P and my life just changed. He brings so much energy and intensity into my life and he makes me want to change things. I guess in a way he is like me. My friends have always told me that I have a big personality and can have that kind of influence on them, but I never see it. But when he and I are together, things just feel right. So fast forward to March, we are living together in a house he's renting and then we decide, forget renting we should buy a house! What the hell! I had not given any thought to ever owning my own house, but some how from getting the idea in June to August when we are moving in, reality sets in. We actually made it happen! How many people freaking do that? I think back on it and I'm still amazed that we did that. In September we got engaged and I'm thinking that life is great. Then P has some issues at work and ends up leaving and going back to a previous job he has held in the past. He loves what he is doing and its fantastic to see someone have that kind of passion for what he's doing (he's a coach), but the problem comes in the form of currency. We need more money than what he's been making and the place he's working at is going through growing pains, so his paychecks are not what they had been. I've been covering things, but now its getting to the point where I'm worried.

And that worry is the reason for me logging into this site tonight and creating this blog. I need an outlet for the feelings that I have. I love my fiance and I love my house and our life and its this lack of money that is scaring the shit out of me and I don't want my fear to ruin my life and relationship.

Now, you may be thinking that I need to tell P all of this stuff. Well I do tell him, but you can only tell a guy so many times the same thing before it gets to be a pain in the ass. He knows the seriousness of the situation and I know he's got a million ideas in his head. I just keep praying to go that one of his ideas will come through for him. Because what pisses me off most is that he works his ass off and is not being fairly compensated. I've dated guys that were just lazy asses, he is not one of them and that's where all of this breaks my heart and stresses me out.

So, I may be rambling, but give me a break, I've never done this before. I've tried the Dear Diary crap before and it just doesn't work, so for now I'm just going to write whatever I have on my mind.

For example, I had a phone interview today that I think I totally blew. See I teach online and was trying to get another teaching position with another college. Needless to say the woman caught me off guard and I'm sure I blew the whole thing. I should know something by the end of the week and I'm really hoping they will give me a chance but I don't know.

Teaching is what I do part time, you know to pay the thousands in student loans that I owe, but the funny thing is that I actually love it and want to get better at it. I think I'm a pretty good teacher, but like anyone else I have my doubts. And the students today can be so entitled that its frustrating. In all the time I spent in college I'd never speak to a professor the way some of these kids go off on me through email.

So for 2010, my goal is to be better organized and prepared in my classes. I know it seems ironic, but there are some days that I just don't want to think, and some days that reading those assignments make me feel like my IQ is slipping. That sounds bad right? It's bad but completely true.

So today is also my first day of vacation and I have no idea what the hell I am going to do with myself of a week. I keep thinking I should be at work and I'm sitting on my ass at home. What can you do? I was feeling brain dead and burned out over there so I had to take some days off or I'd probably lose it there too.

So, I think I've gotten out a lot of things for now. I'll probably end up posting again, but you know what? This feels really really good.