UGH

I haven't written in a few days and I've had so much building up inside of me that I need to write before I blew up again. I'm not blowing up like I'm angry, but rather I'm feeling overwhelmed again and it's almost like I can't breathe. Ever feel like that?

I hate that all I can think about is money and my finances. I'm seriously thinking of consolidating my c.c. again and a worst case scenario is to file for bankruptcy. I don't want to do that, but the idea of being able to pay it off in 5 years and have that monkey off my back and actually have some money is very tempting. P of course thinks that I'm just being dramatic and over reacting, but I'm really tired of feeling this way. I want to be fun again. I want to not think about money. I feel guilty about buying lunch or wanting to get my eyebrows waxed. I don't want to live my life like this. And I need to talk to P about this seriously. He just says No. I think he's scared, but we need the financial relief.

I just wish that things weren't so bad. I had such high hopes for this year and everything has been going downhill. I'm praying that things will get better, but I also can't just sit around and wait for something to happen.

Drowning

As much as I've been trying to think positive about mine and P's current financial situation, I've been feeling a panic all around me. I'm so afraid that I won't be able to continue covering the bills that I am freaking out and that is causing me to get sick. He tells me to not worry, but I can't help it. I'm the one that writes the checks and buys the groceries and pays the bills. How can I not worry? My extra job that helped cover things these last couple of months is not going to be paying me anything near what I was making and while P's income is suppose to start increasing, it isn't happening fast enough. I keep wanting to say, what happened to it only being a hard November? It is January and it is still hard and on top of that I left the holidays get the best of us and we have a great amount charged on my credit cards. I'm able to pay the minimum amounts, but that is not going to pay anything off. So all day long I've been debating, do I call CCCS and see if I'd be better off consolidating my debt again? I had to consolidate my debt when I got out of college and I'm upset that I've let myself get here AGAIN!

So what do I do? I'm not a good actress and I can't hide my feelings and my feelings right now are that I'm scared. I've worked hard and hate that I have this mountain of debt on my shoulders. I've put my loans into forebearance to get the house and I'm suppose to start paying them in May and I won't be able to do that. I'm praying I'll get another forebearance on my loans but I just don't know. I feel like I'm drowning. Ever feel like that?

Hopeful

So the last couple of days have been interesting. I think I mentioned that I teach part time, well I had been assigned 3 courses for the semester but I'd been worried because only one was full. Well they took away the class that was almost full and left me with one full class and one empty class. I looked at my schedule again and now even the empty class is gone. I'm praying I can keep the one class I have - Monday will be D-day because classes start.

I had another phone interview today, this one went much better, but it would be teaching in front of actual students instead of online. I'm excited! I've been bummed out about the my regular classes that this gives me some hope. The great thing is that I was invited to the next step which would be going in and doing a presentation, so now I have a little over a month to get that ready. I'm excited about that thought.

Well as I was writing this, it was confirmed - only one class for me this semester. I wonder if I need to go get a PT job at Starbucks. :(

Day One

Believe it or not, writing a blog is something that I've wanted to do for a very long time. So why didn't I? Well, I guess the usual excuses come to mind. I was too busy. Everyone I knew was writing one and I didn't want to feel like a copycat. But mainly I think I was scared. Scared of what people would think about what I had to say. Truth be told, I'm still a little worried about what people may think, but lately I feel like if I DON'T get the stuff that is in my head OUT, I'm going to lose my mind.

We are now on day 4 of 2010 and I'm still wondering how the hell did 2009 go by so quickly. You see 2009 was a crazy year for me. I met a guy, wait not just any guy THE GUY. You know, the guy that we are all secretly waiting around to meet. I was 33 and had given up on the idea of finding Mr. Right. I'd met several Mr. Right-Nows and they had been fine for a week or two, but no one that I seriously wanted to share my life with, until I met P in January 2009. I met P and my life just changed. He brings so much energy and intensity into my life and he makes me want to change things. I guess in a way he is like me. My friends have always told me that I have a big personality and can have that kind of influence on them, but I never see it. But when he and I are together, things just feel right. So fast forward to March, we are living together in a house he's renting and then we decide, forget renting we should buy a house! What the hell! I had not given any thought to ever owning my own house, but some how from getting the idea in June to August when we are moving in, reality sets in. We actually made it happen! How many people freaking do that? I think back on it and I'm still amazed that we did that. In September we got engaged and I'm thinking that life is great. Then P has some issues at work and ends up leaving and going back to a previous job he has held in the past. He loves what he is doing and its fantastic to see someone have that kind of passion for what he's doing (he's a coach), but the problem comes in the form of currency. We need more money than what he's been making and the place he's working at is going through growing pains, so his paychecks are not what they had been. I've been covering things, but now its getting to the point where I'm worried.

And that worry is the reason for me logging into this site tonight and creating this blog. I need an outlet for the feelings that I have. I love my fiance and I love my house and our life and its this lack of money that is scaring the shit out of me and I don't want my fear to ruin my life and relationship.

Now, you may be thinking that I need to tell P all of this stuff. Well I do tell him, but you can only tell a guy so many times the same thing before it gets to be a pain in the ass. He knows the seriousness of the situation and I know he's got a million ideas in his head. I just keep praying to go that one of his ideas will come through for him. Because what pisses me off most is that he works his ass off and is not being fairly compensated. I've dated guys that were just lazy asses, he is not one of them and that's where all of this breaks my heart and stresses me out.

So, I may be rambling, but give me a break, I've never done this before. I've tried the Dear Diary crap before and it just doesn't work, so for now I'm just going to write whatever I have on my mind.

For example, I had a phone interview today that I think I totally blew. See I teach online and was trying to get another teaching position with another college. Needless to say the woman caught me off guard and I'm sure I blew the whole thing. I should know something by the end of the week and I'm really hoping they will give me a chance but I don't know.

Teaching is what I do part time, you know to pay the thousands in student loans that I owe, but the funny thing is that I actually love it and want to get better at it. I think I'm a pretty good teacher, but like anyone else I have my doubts. And the students today can be so entitled that its frustrating. In all the time I spent in college I'd never speak to a professor the way some of these kids go off on me through email.

So for 2010, my goal is to be better organized and prepared in my classes. I know it seems ironic, but there are some days that I just don't want to think, and some days that reading those assignments make me feel like my IQ is slipping. That sounds bad right? It's bad but completely true.

So today is also my first day of vacation and I have no idea what the hell I am going to do with myself of a week. I keep thinking I should be at work and I'm sitting on my ass at home. What can you do? I was feeling brain dead and burned out over there so I had to take some days off or I'd probably lose it there too.

So, I think I've gotten out a lot of things for now. I'll probably end up posting again, but you know what? This feels really really good.